A Swing and a ‘Miss’
It’s best to choose your words carefully before addressing Beth, as the manager of a local establishment learned upon referring to her first as “madam” and then “miss.” It was a mistake he won’t likely make again. “‘Miss’ should really only be applied to a woman younger or just reaching marrying age, which in the era this [BS] became common vernacular was around 13,” she told him. “And since I am clearly beyond that milestone and I’m clearly not married, the proper term for me would be ‘maiden.’ But if you call me ‘maiden,’ Alfred, I’m going to stab you in the eye with this [bleeping] fork.”
Sibling Ribaldry
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that there’s no love lost between Beth and brother Jamie. Hell, there’s not even any like lost, as you could tell when she remarked to him, “Every now and then you say something that makes me think you’re smart. And then I look at you, and that thought fades.” Believe it or not, that was her being somewhat kind to Jamie. Don’t believe us? Read on…
Ouch!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you! “I gotta tell you something, and it comes from a place of love,” Beth swore to her brother. “You should really consider killing yourself.”
Hate at First Sight
It’s safe to say that sparks flew when Beth crossed paths with Roarke… leading to her dropping an epic burn on him. When the cocky newcomer gave her the onceover and declared, “I see the women in this valley have gotten a lot more fashionable,” she replied, “I see Chippendales changed their policy on capped teeth.”
She Has a Type
We don’t have to tell you that it was love at first sight for Beth and Rip. And even if we did have to tell you, we couldn’t do it any better than her. “I remember the first time I saw you,” she told him. “So wild. So angry. God, you were beautiful.”
*Extremely* Tough Love
Beth is a take-no-prisoners sorta gal… even when it comes to matters of the heart. “I believe in lovin’ with your whole soul,” she told Rip, “and destroying anything that wants to kill what you love.”
Save the Last Dance
Like many a tough cookie, Beth actually has a soft, gooey center… especially when it comes to the love of her life. Upon presenting Rip with a ring, she made its significance clear. “It means that you have me, that I’m yours. It means come live your life with me. Only thing I ask is that you outlive me so I never have to live another day without you.”
Innocence Lost
Beth would be the first person to say that she’s hardly inexperienced. As she told Roarke, “I ran out of things to do for the first time when I was 20.”
Force of Nature
After Roarke warned Beth not to go up against an opponent as formidable as Market Equities, she scoffed, “You are the trailer park. I am the tornado.” And us? We were just blown away by her cojones.
Less Fired Than Fired Up
Willa might have won her battle with Beth in Season 3, but she was destined to lose the war. As Beth noted, “When you find yourself standing on the wall of the Alamo, the outcome has already been decided. The only thing left to do is to kill as much as you can before they kill you.”
What Doesn’t Kill Ya…
After surviving the Season 3 finale blast meant to kick her ash, Beth — in pretty much the perfect Beth moment — asks a shaken witness for a cigarette. “Can I have one of those?” You betcha, lady!
She’s Great With Kids
After young Carter asked in Season 4’s premiere what had happened to Beth’s face, she shot back without missing a beat, “What happened to yours, you insensitive little [bleep]?” When the boy said that nothing had happened to his, she retorted, “Yeah? You should go find a mirror.”
That Shrinking Feeling
After Beth pegged Carter in under three minutes, the 14-year old asked, “You a therapist?” Ha — as if. “I am the rock therapists break themselves against,” she explained. And even that may have been an understatement.
The Mother Lode
Once Carter had told his brain-dead father to [bleep] off for leaving him all alone in the world, Beth had to admit, “That was a good speech. I like your style.” At a loss, the youngster replied, “I don”t have a style.” Then, proving just how big a heart she actually has, Beth told him, “Yeah, you do.” (No, we’re not crying, you’re crying! Wait, are we all crying?)
Ruffle Feathers? Who… Her?
Beth had no sooner taken a rifle to a nonstop wind chime than a bird started chirping away — and then flew for its life in he opposite direction. “Smart bird,” she cracked. Better that than a dead duck, that’s for sure!
She Is Woman, Hear Her Roar
After laughing at a bar patron for allowing her husband to leave her behind to order him a drink while he took a whizz, Beth was delighted when the guy returned and barked, “Where’s my beer?” Without missing a beat, his missus told him to “order your own [bleeping] beer and get me a skinny margarita with Tito’s.” Though Beth had been in a foul mood, she had to admit, “Oh, that cheered me up.”
We’ll Drink to That
Called to a meeting by former boss Bob, Beth was asked by a waitress if she’d like a cocktail. “Double Tito’s,” she replied. “Three olives.” Oh, said the waitress. “You mean a martini.” Yeah, no. As Beth was quick to explain, “Martinis have vermouth and are enjoyed with friends. I don’t like vermouth, and these aren’t my friends.”
Grr!
When Beth threatened to take everything that Bob owned, he warned her that she shouldn’t pick a fight with a bigger bear. Dear, dumb Bob. “Ya gotta read the fine print [on my contract],” she suggested. “I’m the bigger bear.”
A Truth Bomb Explodes
In Season 4, Beth spelled it out plain and simple for Carter. “Do you want nice things? You want the best? There is only four ways to get rich, kid. Four — that’s it,” she said. “One: Inherit it. That ain’t happening for you. Two: Ya steal it. You do not have, my friend, the patience, the power or, quite honestly, the intellect to steal anything of substance and keep it. So three: Work really, really [bleeping] hard. OK? You’ll learn. You fail. Learn more, fail more, and don’t let anyone outwork you — ever.” As a whippersnapper will, Carter asked what option No. 4 was. “Learn how to [bleep] a [bleep] like you lost your car keys in it.” Ah, Beth. She has a way with children, no?
‘You’re Hired’
When Market Equities’ Caroline attempted to recruit Beth, she suggested the firm make her an offer she couldn’t refuse. In other words, slide over their controlling interest in Schwartz & Meyer. Why? Oh, Beth didn’t just want to pink-slip spineless boss Bob, “I want his [bleeping] grandchildren on welfare,” she hissed.
No Food for Thought
So rarely does John dine with Beth that he was surprised to see her take a pass on breakfast. “I’m intermittent fasting,” she cracked. Come again? What, exactly, did that mean? “Nothing but coffee and cigarettes till noon, and then I can eat what the [bleep] I want till I start drinking at six.” When John laughed that he’d like to meet the doctor who came up with that particular diet, his daughter admitted that, erm, “I’ve adapted it a bit to suit my lifestyle.” Ya don’t say.
A Fine ‘How Do Ya Do?’
Upon finding Summer in John’s kitchen — and wearing little more than a shirt — Beth grabbed the nearest knife and cracked, “Dad, if you’re gonna hire a hooker, would ya please let me get you a good one?” And she was just getting warmed up!
Unfair Fight
Poor Summer didn’t know who she was up against. She tried to needle Beth by saying that she hoped she hadn’t paid full price for her boob job. But of course Beth just scoffed that God had given her her knockers — and, from the looks of it, Summer’s, too. “I hope you find a therapist who can help you,” Summer smiled as Beth left. “I hope you die of ass cancer,” Beth replied. Because obviously, she wasn’t going to let her opponent get in the last dig!
Who’s Bad?
Beth didn’t just delight in informing Jamie that she was Market Equities’ new Montana bigwig, she made clear her intentions toward him and his efforts by reminding him of an old saying: “Wherever something good is trying to happen, something bad is trying to stop it.” And just in case he didn’t catch her drift, she added, “I’m something bad.”
A Blossoming Friendship
When Carter tried to apologize to Beth with flowers, she’d have none of it. Or whatever less than none of it would be. But if he couldn’t pick her a bouquet when he was sorry, when could he give her flowers? “You give ’em for no reason, buddy,” said the secret softy. “No reason at all.”
Au Revoir
Within seconds of meeting her new assistant at Market Equities, Beth knew that he was boinking the secretary. He was also annoying as [bleep], so she canned him. “I need my assistants to put all their efforts into not being p—sies,” she explained. “I do not need them chasing it.” On the plus side, hey, she might have just saved his life. “Turns out,” she said in a nod to her ill-fated previous assistants, “working for me is pretty dangerous.”
Kaching
When Summer assumed that Beth would shop at the fur store she was protesting, her nemesis just scoffed. “My idea of shopping,” said Beth, “is calling the sales manager at Gucci and having her fill a box the size of a [bleeping] refrigerator.”
Save the Tears
In the Season 4 finale, Carter made the mistake of calling Beth Mama, something she was quick to inform him that she’d never be. And even as the poor kid dissolved into a puddle of sadness, she maintained her hard edge, noting that they’d both lost their mothers, and nothing was gonna change that fact. “Crying doesn’t help,” she said. “It never does.”
Patience Is a Virtue
Before leaving Riggins to return to his dingy cell and prison food, Beth couldn’t resist wishing him well. Sorry — hell. She couldn’t resist wishing him hell. “Your life is already over, you’re just waiting to die,” she made sure he knew. “I hope you wait till you’re 100.”
Is There a Fourth Option?
After ascertaining that Jamie had met with the Duttons’ would-be executioner in prison, Beth offered him two options, each one more horrific than the last. When he pleaded for mercy, she gave him a third out, which may have been the most terrible of all. “You should’ve picked options 1 or 2. Three’s gonna be worse,” she warned him, “but you’re [bleeping] mine now.”
Fast-Forward to the Honeymoon
When John balked at Beth’s “wedding dress” — the same super-sexy outfit she’d worn for her “conjugal” with Riggins — she told him, “Don’t worry, Dad. I won’t be wearing it long.” Which was, of course, way more than any father wants to hear about his daughter’s post-nuptial plans.
Vow Hear This
Hardly a traditional bride, Beth didn’t want to go through all the hoopla of “Do you take this man… ” and “love, honor and blah, blah, blah.” The second the priest that she’d kidnapped to marry her and Rip got anywhere near the question of the day, she blurted out, “[Bleep], yes, I do.” And as best man Lloyd put it afterwards, “Hot damn, that was beautiful.” Very strange, very Rip-and-Beth and very beautiful.
Behind Every Great Ranch Foreman…
In a Season 5 flashback, a young Rip told Beth that she could bet her bottom dollar that he’d be the Yellowstone’s top hand someday. She was — in her own unique way — impressed. “Wow,” she laughed. “So much ambition. I mean, that’s like dreaming of running the grill at McDonald’s.”
Baby, You Can Drive My Car
On Rip and Beth’s last date before she went off to study finance in college, she allowed him to take the wheel — literally. “I’ll let you play man,” she cracked, tossing him the keys to their ride. And believe it or not, that was pretty much the nicest that she was to him all evening.
Breast in Show
When an underage Beth was carded upon ordering a martini on the aforementioned date, she didn’t bat an eyelash. “You have ID?” asked the bartender. “I have two,” she replied, leaning forward so he could take a peek down her dress. Amused, the bartender offered Rip what might have been the understatement of the year: “You got your hands full, buddy.”
An Eye for an Eyeful
When Rip objected to Beth basically flashing the bartender, she noted that he was hardly the only guy to look at her like he wanted to [bleep] her. Lotsa guys did it to a lot of women, all the time. “I can be a victim of it or a beneficiary,” she said. “I choose the latter.” Rip could huff and puff all he wanted, but at the end of the day, he was fighting a losing battle. “You may be stronger than me, but make no mistake,” Beth said, “men are the weaker sex.”
An Open-and-Shut Case
When Jamie tried to slam the door behind him and hide from Beth in his office… Well, as you’d imagine, she couldn’t let the opportunity pass without taking a dig at him. She followed him right into the room, slammed the door shut and informed him that “that’s how you slam a door, Jamie.”
Next, She’ll Make Him Roll Over and Play Dead
Always on the lookout for new and creative ways to make Jamie miserable, Beth told him, “I want you home at the weekends, where I can keep an eye on ya.” And when he didn’t answer to her liking, she ordered him to “say, ‘Yes, ma’am.’” After he’d done just that, she called him a good boy the way that Tate might his dog, Sunka. But, you know, without the love.
She’s Got Legs…
… and she knows how to use them. When a valet marveled at how badass Beth’s car was and said, “I bet the payments are steep,” she set him straight. “You know, I’ve learned that the lease payments have an inverse relationship to the length of my skirt.” That is, she tried to set him straight. “I don’t know what that means,” he admitted. “It means,” she replied, “the payment’s aren’t that steep, buddy.”
Consider That Trout Slain
Beth warned the d-bag ordering a trout slayer to vamoose while his self-esteem was still intact. Instead, the college professor challenged her to peg him. Which she did. To the wall. “You’ve got a couple of grown kids. Once they left the house, your wife divorced you so fast, she left [bleeping] skid marks, but how nice for you, huh?” she began. Only it’s “no longer cool to boink the coeds.” So he moved to Bozeman. “Now you teach Zoom classes from the living room of your creekside cabin, and you lecture about the concentration of wealth and how it’s decimating the middle class, all while you draw your six-figure salary and finance your dream home with a loan from the university that is 275 basis points below the loans that your students need to take out to listen to this [bleep]. And my guess is that you paid over asking price for it, because it’s just Monopoly money to you, isn’t it? So, you run up the house prices here and [bleep] the middle classes in two states. Bravo, you [bleeping] hypocrite.” Bravo, Beth!
Nothing Gets by Big Daddy
In Season 5’s “Tall Drink of Water,” first Rip and then John observed that Beth was up unusually early. And though ordinarily, she’d never sass her father, she couldn’t resist cracking at least a little wise. “Shrewd observers, the men in my family,” she said. “Yes, I am up early.”
TMI?
When John expressed reluctance to share with Beth what was on his mind, saying that there were some things ya just don’t tell your kids, she argued that they were well past that point in their relationship. “I told you about my first threesome,” she reminded him. Wait… “Didn’t I? Never mind.” It’s a wonder John has any hair left that hasn’t been turned gray!
Let’s Make a Deal
When Rob from Burson Industries balked at the too-good-to-be true offer that Beth made him, saying that there had to be a rattlesnake hidden somewhere in it, Beth reassured him as only she could. “I am the rattlesnake,” she admitted, “but you’re not who I’m gonna bite.”
Businessman Up Already!
Ultimately, Rob was ready to sign on the dotted line… but, um, could Burson’s lawyer look over the documents first? Why not? Beth said. “Nothing f—ks up a great deal like a good attorney.”
The Story Is Always the Same
When Beth got thrown in jail for taking a beer bottle to the head of the bar patron who made the mistake of saying that she was taking Rip home for a “ride,” her cellmate knew just the type. “It’s always some bitch from California,” she said. Beth agreed in, you know, that special way that only Beth can. “Every [bleeping] time.”
What’s in a Name?
After a guard called for Beth by her full name, announcing that she had a visitor, her cellmate remarked, “You don’t look like a Bethany.” As if. “I’m not a Bethany,” our live-wire antiheroine replied, “I’m a Beth.” And we pity the fool that forgets it!
Fear Factor
Upon discovering that Jamie had a son, Beth lost it. He’d had her sterilized as a teenager, and yet he got to give John a male heir?!? No, just no. “I’m gonna take him from you. I’m gonna rob you of fatherhood, Jamie,” Beth hissed. “You don’t deserve it, and he deserves better than you.” Before stalking off down the highway, she added for good — well, for chilling — measure — “Next time you see him, you can kiss him goodbye, ‘cause he’s as good as gone.”
Pick-Up Line
Beth didn’t have to stand around long on the side of the road before she was offered a ride — however bad an idea doing so was. “Mom’s gonna kill you, Dad,” the little girl in the backseat said, turning to Beth and adding, “Mom wears the pants, if you know what I mean.” Ha. “Sister,” Beth replied, “I know exactly what you mean.”
Funeral Rights
Watching Kayce and Monica bury their son, Beth beseeched her father to make her a promise. “Don’t ever let ’em do that to me. Turn me to ashes and throw me to the wind,” she said. “That’s all the care I want.” And kind of a fitting end to a human tornado.
Rolling Out the Unwelcome Mat
Finding that Summer was not only out of her prison bunk but back in John’s bed, Beth “sweetly” offered to “pick up some doxycycline when I’m in town to kill whatever funk your [bleep] caught in the clink.” For once, she didn’t get in the last word, though. Giving as good as she got, Summer asked her to instead “pick up a toothbrush — I hate to keep to using yours.” Score one for Summer! Needless to say, even before the sun came up, Beth began throwing ’em down. “I am not startin’ this day sober,” she said. Been there.
Lest Their Be Any Confusion
After John moved his ex-con lover into the house, he could well guess why Beth wanted a word with him. “Is this abut Summer?” he asked. Milking the moment for all it was worth, Beth replied, “When you say Summer, are you referring to the season or that hairy hippie giving syphilis to our sofa?” Yeah, John was gonna need a drink for that conversation!
Roll Call
John knew that he was making a mistake by insisting that Beth join him for supper in the dining room. Yet he did it, anyway. Taking in the Norman Rockwell-ian scene, Beth, already on her second tumbler of vodka, looked around at Kayce, Monica and Tate, at her father’s gal Friday Clara at — oh dear, Summer — and cracked that they were “one big happy family… and an assistant… and a hooker. I don’t know what could make this any better.”
Battle Scars
After Beth took Summer outside and the two of ’em beat the crap out of one another, Summer suggested that they clean off the blood, at least, before returning to the table. Nah, replied Beth. “I don’t hide from what I do. I wanted to fight, so we fought. Let ’em look.”
Um, Thanks?
Although Beth and Summer had kinda buried the hatchet following their fight, Beth still couldn’t pay her frenemy an outright compliment. When Summer said that she felt like she’d been hit by a truck, Beth said that she felt like she’d been hit by… a Prius. (Hey, that still counts as progress, right?)
‘It’s a Woman’s Job to Give a Man Perspective’
Headed out for the spring gathering with Rip and her father, Beth had one thing on her mind. “Did anyone think to pack any vodka?” Yup, what she really wanted to see was a bottle, not the sunrise toward which John attempted to direct her. “It’s the same view from the porch,” she shrugged, “just a different angle.” In other words, big whoop.
Consider Her ‘Sunderwhelmed’
After showing Beth to the secret spot at which he’d hoped they’d tie the knot, Rip tried to get her to sit still with him and take in the beauty of the sunset. “[Bleep] your sunset, baby,” she said, unbuttoning her shirt. “You watch me.” As the lovers got down to business, she added wryly, “Sunsets are overrated, anyway.”
Enough Already
After watching Summer, Laramie and Abby emerge from their lovers’ tents, Beth made exactly the crack you’d expect: “Look at all you sluts.” Then, truce be damned, she squashed Summer’s condemnation of marriage. Beth had agreed to play nicely, sure, but “I didn’t agree to placate some of your hippie bull[bleep] where every institution and every custom is designed to oppress.” When Laramie and Abby then hesitated before walking off, Beth asked why. “Just waiting for another zinger,” they admitted. “I’m all zinged out for now,” Beth replied. Yep, even she has her limits.
What Do You ‘Mean’ by That?
